Wednesday, May 24, 2006; 09:57 p.m.

I am back from school, and man... am I bored. This is so weird. I don't really feel like going back to lawn mowing (doing that until I head to Japan) but if I don't do that I'll just be home and that will result in major issues.

Speaking of which, things are good with the family now. Things have just sorta blown over, as I anticipated.

Now I'm going to wax poetic on relationships. I'm talking the kinds with love and sex and stuff (not to belittle it to that, but yeah). S.O.'s.

This is kinda sparked from convos with Doreen, but yeah... What I'm really wondering is what do I have to do exactly to meet someone who is not only kind but is as into me as I am into them (yes, poor English, but I'm choosing my words wisely :p). I should rephrase; It would be nice to not feel like I'm forcing myself upon someone. I feel like more often than not I initiate things. After a while, I start to feel stupid about it. Who wants to come across as desperate? I'm actually not... But, damn it, when I like someone I like someone. I'm excited to talk to them, I want to spend time with them. This is apparently abnormal.

Now, I firmly believe that life would be a hell of a lot easier if people were just honest. I would be able to deal with things if someone were to just say "hey, I'm not into you." Yeah, it sucks, but it's quick and relatively painless - you can just move on. I'm all for that method. What is annoying is the situations where the conversation is on and off, and you are routinely ignored. Someone seems interested in you, but you really have no clue.

You see, I have this thing. When people message me, tell me something, etc... I always (save a few rare occassions) make a point to respond. Rarely, if ever, do I find myself SO busy that I can not take 2 seconds out of my day to drop a message, make a call, etc... Not to say stuff hasn't escaped my mind before, but yeah. So, as Doreen and I were talking about, how is it that people just lack that common courtesy? Are they really just shitty people? Or do they think that it impresses people 'cause they come across as "too important" to always respond? I dunno, but I would love it if someone would be good at that. We're not even talking about "omg we haven't talked in like 2 hours, I'm gonna die!" But if I send a message to someone, for example, "congrats on graduation!" I would expect to hear from them later on? A thank you isn't necessary, but come on now... would you really just ignore someone who congratulated you? I doubt it.

Do I sound psychotic? 'Cause at first I thought I was, but after chatting about it a little, I feel like this is something that anyone with decent upbringing would expect.

I dunno, the whole being out of college and really unsure of the future (beyond Japan) and being single thing hits hard when you have nothing to do :-P. Also, I just don't get people. *shrug* To all of the decent people out there, I raise my bottle of water. *cheers*

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Saturday, May 20, 2006; 12:58 a.m.

So let's start with the good.

Great dinner with Vicente, Jenn, and Judith :) Fun movie watching/singing with Heather and David Lu!!

The not so good.

My room isn't clean yet...

The ugly.

For the first time, since as far back as I remember, I got in a HUGE fight with my mother. I've never ever had a blowout with her like this before. I get along with my family very well. But wow.

Now, there are a lot of things that go into this. But to make a long story short, my family had reservations for a 1:30 brunch after my graduation. I discovered that my friend's graduation was also 1:30 (we have separate departmental graduations in addition to the main ceremony). I called and asked my dad if we could move the reservation so I could attend. He said that it would be a bad idea to even ask 'cause my mom would get way pissed so I said... alright, then don't bother.

heh.

He decided to tell them that I called about this anyway. Well. He's a very smart man, because a few hours later I got a call back (and stupidly answered it...) and before I could even blink I found myself in tears with a new asshole.

Now, this wasn't your average telling off. I can handle that. This went even farther. This was some pent up rage towards something on my mother's end that she ripped out on me and insulted me in ways I can't even convey. I've always been the kind of kid who is good to his family, and loves and appreciates them. Now, I'm also in college, and like most people in college, have met some wonderful friends who I also love and care about deeply. This is coupled with the natural moving away from the parental needs, and becoming independent, etc... I'm 21. I'm a big boy now.

But according to my mother, today, I put my family on the backburner constantly, don't appreciate them, etc... Now, I understand the natural... backburnerness that comes from being away at school - having trouble getting back home, having things going on constantly that take away from family time. But in no way whatsoever do I consider my family in a LESSER light than anyone else. I couldn't get home for Mother's Day. I sent cards and gifts. I understand that my family is used to an extreme closeness that many others do not have. I count my blessings that I have such a wonderfully close family. But, now when it's time to let go, I am seeing the issues that come from it.

My mother called me selfish. I'm a kid, I don't understand what she goes through. I don't understand. Does anyone else get sick of being told that merely because they're younger than someone else? I may not have as much under my belt, nor am I directly dealing with the same issues as my mother, but I am not stupid. She's explained to me many times what she goes through, and what my grandmother puts herself through to get to Rochester. I understand, and man do I appreciate it. I know I'm not always the best at showing it, but do I ever appreciate it. So with all this, it hurts me more than I can possibly explain when my mom says that I can't understand her point of view. I'm selfish and can't see things from her side. I'd just like to point out that in everyone's natural development, they get past that stage around preschool/kindergarten. (may be off by a few years, but you get the gist).

So now what? They're coming in less than 24 hours, and I don't even know what to do. I haven't cried this hard in ... years? I'm so ashamed of myself and completely terrified of the thought of seeing them. They're all going to pretend everything is fine, and it won't be a big deal. It's a big deal to me. Not because I didn't get my way; that doesn't matter. But to know that my mom truly thinks that way of me is one of the most painful things ever. I'm completely upset at how I even handled the phone conversation. I never curse in front of my family, and I found myself talking like a sailor on the phone. I lost control of my emotion and my thoughts, and couldn't even let my mom know how I felt. I'm disgusted with myself, and even further digusted by how my family views me. I really just hope that it was just her being extreme again (yes, it's happened before).

They wonder why I can't talk to them about stuff :-/

Sometimes I wonder why I bother being good to anyone when this is what I get.

Sorry for the emo shit. I'm genuinely upset here, and this is the easiest way to let it out. Ignore it if you can't handle it. Also, please don't leave comments like "your parents suck, don't listen to them." If it were that easy, this wouldn't be necessary. At least my dad called and apologized for saying something to my grandmother and causing this. Curse being Italian.

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Saturday, May 13, 2006; 11:52 p.m.

You must ride Superman. Now.

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Tuesday, May 9, 2006; 12:46 p.m.

Okay, so apparently when I have to study I feel like I need to blog/do anything else I can possibly do to get out of it. So today is my last final. ever. Abnormal Psych at 4pm. How crazy is that?

I did my presentation for MLC, and it went very well! So happy that is over, dear God. Yay for crazy books about sex changes, self-mutilation, etc...

I was accepted into the JET program! (for all of those who I haven't told...) Going to Japan at the end of July! I'm very excited, although as I've been explaining to some people, I'm getting a bit tired of people treating me as if I'm dying.

"Omg, I'm never going to see you again!"

I'm just going abroad for a year! I know how to keep in touch :-P I plan on doing lots of that.

Had a great weekend! Saw an interesting show, hung out with cool people, and ate homecooked food :-X (not my own home, for the record ;))

I think that is enough procrastinating for now... I will be blogging far more often as time goes by, particularly when I leave. Although, I may switch over to something easier like LJ or myspace *shudder*.

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